A Sprinkle of Weird: from complicated pregnancies to career overhauls, this is Taycee's story.
- Taycee-Lea Jones
- Oct 8, 2024
- 9 min read
Updated: Aug 11
My Motherhood Story
A little about me…I’m a self-confessed nerd with a sprinkle of weird & crazy on top 😉 I’m a mum to three living children (currently aged 5, 8 & 9) as well as two babies that I’ve lost (one to miscarriage, one at 1 month old due to complications from prematurity). I’ve had complicated pregnancies due to having twins, being rhesus negative (requires you to have anti-D injection’s during pregnancy due to differing blood types with your baby), having hyperemesis and sciatica. I have birthed many different ways including an emergency caesarean for twins who were born at 26 weeks gestation. This was followed by a miscarriage at home, then an induced VBAC at 40+5 weeks gestation which resulted in placental abruption / episiotomy / vacuum delivery / post-partum haemorrhage. I went back for one last punishment with my natural VBAC being my ‘best birth’ at 42 weeks gestation – just beating the caesarean that had been booked in for him by a few hours. Even though I also had an episiotomy during this birth, I felt proud that I had birthed the way I had wanted to and this contributed to me healing from my previous birth trauma. A quick acknowledgement to the amazing doulas, friends, family, midwives and health professionals that gave me the best of care, listened to me and helped birth my beautiful humans, despite all odds. You know who you are xx
While all this might sound like a ‘horror story’ to some, please know that each pregnancy and birth is completely different. There is no shame or judgement, no matter how your own story ends up panning out. It’s about perspective – how you choose to reflect on it, work through it and come out the other side with ways to manage it. I have sought professional help to work through my birth trauma and highly recommend this. Taking care of your brain is as important as taking care of your body. Your mental health affects everyone else in the household, so taking care of mum pays off for everyone. Hence, it should be a priority. I personally found a mix of cognitive behaviour therapy and EMDR helpful when processing significant events in my life and I still link in with these professionals as part of my ongoing work roles.
I’ve worked a variety of jobs throughout my life and filled several roles including teaching, tutoring, community support, grief support and most recently retrained to become a paramedic. Trying to be all that you can be or want to be is exhausting at the best of times, but I thought “I’m not getting any younger” and that if I was going to change the trajectory of my life, to do it now rather than later. I am extremely glad that I did this because my role enables me to provide care and support for those in need. We all have bad days and sometimes I get to be the one to meet people at wherever they are in life, on those bad days. Validating and holding space for that, is important and incredibly rewarding for me.
My children are now 5, 8 & 9 years of age. Their younger years were a sleepless blur of trying to keep us alive every day, with caffeine being a saving grace on many an outing 😉 This period is about adjusting to being a cook, cleaner, nurse, maid, teacher, entertainer and MORE, while still displaying empathy and understanding to others when our own ‘cup’ has been drained. As well as meeting their emotional, physical, spiritual and developmental needs we are supposed to be able to take time out for ourselves. Most of my ‘time out’ was spent catching up on household chores and organising the house back to some form of ‘normality’ again (whatever ‘normal’ is haha). Yep, they will tell you ‘that’s motherhood’ but motherhood is what you make it and you don’t have to do it alone or the way someone else perceives that you should.
Throughout all this, I realised my children were a little bit ‘different’ in their development and milestones. My eldest boy had intensive specialist help for his first few years after surviving a long stint in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and then coming home on oxygen. He required regular visits and help from physiotherapists, dieticians, ophthalmologists, respiratory specialists, paediatricians, occupational therapists and speech therapy. Between feeling like a ‘taxi’ for all these appointments, we tried to give him everything he needed from us as parents. He has since been diagnosed with Autism – Level 2 and still displays restrictive, repetitive behaviours that sometimes limit his capability to function in the classroom & playground settings, as well as home life. Our approach to this has always been educating ourselves to be as well informed as possible, to be able to give him the best opportunities possible. As parents, we want to ensure that the world remains ‘open’ to him and to find ways to accommodate how he experiences life.
Anyone with children with diverse needs can empathise with how incredibly draining this process can be as a parent, partner and friend. I have lost relationships with friends and family members due to losing a child and having a child with diverse needs. That hurts. If it happens to you, please know that others may find it difficult to know how to engage with or support you through this. We don’t deal with loss & grief very well in our westernised culture and sometimes people just don’t know how to manage it. There is so much room for improvement in this space – it’s something I’ve become more and more passionate about over time. How do we genuinely support our loved ones who are grieving in down-to-earth, genuine & open way? Sometimes people need a hand to learn how to be the friend you need, other times you have to learn that letting go of certain people is better for you and your family.
As mentioned, professional psychological support can help you to make those decisions. My advice here would be to communicate with people what you need from them – whether it is helping with groceries, mowing a lawn, bringing over a coffee to yarn for an hour, a walk in the park, babysitting or even just SPACE (like hey, I love you, but I’m not in a great mindset for sharing right now. I’d love it if you checked back in with me next week. Thanks). Each person’s journey with grief will be expressed and received differently. Pave your own way, do what feels right for you, take the time you need and stuff anyone else who tells you otherwise! Lioness warrior side coming out right there 😉
So…while my motherhood journey has (so far) been a hard, unexpected marathon that I’m still running on, it’s completely worth it. The hugs, the love, the memories you make together, the smiles as they learn new things or experience something for the first time….that stuff is just.MAGIC.
I have learned to accept my flaws and to keep trying my best each day with the knowledge, skills, intuition and perspective that I’ve got. I am STILL learning & making it up as I go. Life changes, circumstances evolve & you do the best to not cause your kids too much trauma because hey, their therapists are going to be bloody expensive 😉
Main advice for new mums
You are the expert when it comes to your child – you know them better then anyone. Because of this, always follow your gut instincts. Parents know when something is wrong with their child. If you are unsure, seek guidance from those who may know. If your coming home with a newborn, this might be the community nurse or local GP. As they get older a GP should be able to help with most medical needs and can refer you to specialists if needed.
Other mums, family members and close friends can be sources of guidance – as with all advice given to you in life, take what works for you & leave the rest. I prefer to take a holistic approach to things in life, combining factors from westernised and alternative approaches. My main philosophy is to work out what works for you – nobody else can judge because nobody else is walking in your shoes.
Parenting is hard, give yourself a break from all the judgement and criticisms we put on ourselves. We are definitely our own worst critics.
The way I managed it in those earlier years was to get out of the house, plan my week ahead and put in things to look forward to. I also got better at asking for help as time went on. If you have a good support network that is willing to step up, then invite them to. Just be sure to put boundaries in place with this too – as needed. If you don’t have much support, link in with local networks / services / organisations to help get you there. You could start with your local neighbourhood centre, a charity, a not-for-profit organisation like a playgroup or church. Family isn’t always blood – reach out to your community & I really do hope you find the right people.
Finding a sense of belonging helps with parenting as well as our feeling of purpose in life. Personally, I’ve always been a bit of an ‘outsider’ and have struggled to fit in throughout my life. I often felt the same as a new parent. I had a very different pregnancy and birthing stories than most of the women around me and was careful about how much I ‘shared’ as I worried I would scare them away or make them feel sympathy for me. Neither of which I wanted to happen. All I really wanted was to have someone that would listen, that cared and that would be able to validate my feelings. Like, your not crazy for thinking or doing that, we all do!
I recently saw a mum trying to wrangle three busy young kids, all under 5 years of age, from the school playground to the car, which is a mission in itself! It brought back memories of my time in that space, where I felt unsupported and unseen. I approached her and asked if she needed a hand, she said she was doing ok and would get there, with a bit of a laugh. I said “I just wanted to let you know your doing a great job. I remember this phase as being really hard, it takes a lot of work…your doing amazing”. This mum was taken back that I had said something nice to her and replied “wow, thankyou so much, that’s so nice to hear. It really is hard! I feel like no-one sees me or offers to help.” She went on to share about what her days look like and things she does to manage. This frank conversation in the school carpark took us from being acquaintances to friends in just a few minutes of conversation. No filter, no motives, no underlying angles. Just two women sharing their raw experiences with one another – listening & validating. This is true womanning.
For mental health support don’t forget your GP can refer you via a Mental Health Plan for subsidised psychological sessions. As women, we don’t talk about birth trauma, post-natal depression and the range of other disorders that can affect women. If you need someone to talk to at any time of day, these organisations are worth a call.
There is no shame in asking for help.
Lifeline 131114,
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
13Yarn 13 92 76 (a free and confidential service run by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander People).
Top tip/top hack for parenting or womanning
I’ve still not mastered this, BUT – do what brings you joy – when you can 😉 For me, it’s simple things like…turning up the music as loud as it goes and singing along while I drive. It’s watching my kids run & jump in the waves with the sun on my face and sand at my feet. Its good coffee, deep belly laughter & mates having your back. It’s noticing the time of year that a flower blooms & enjoying it while it lasts. It’s making shared memories with your loved ones & being able to reminisce. These are life’s gifts.
Lastly, stay humble. You never really know where anyone else is ‘at’ in life or their story of how they got there. It could just as easily be you on the receiving side of someone’s judgement. Be kind to each other, treat each other with humility and respect.
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Written by Taycee-Lea Jones
Mum of the Manning Valley
Paramedic and educator
Bibliophile//nature lover//nerd//growth-mindset enthusiast//contemplator of life
Addendum:
Taycee sent in email to me after her story the following information that I think many of you, after reading her story, might also want to know:
"The group of mums I was a part of founded the not-for-profit charity 'Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome Australia'. We had shared experiences of the effects of this syndrome through loss and wanted to provide information and support for those also experiencing this. Hence, TTTS Australia as a foundation was born. The website is pretty outdated but you can find our story on it here... https://twintotwintransfusionaustralia.com/the-story-of-jarrah-and-bodhi
My mum & I also started a charity called 'Books for Bubs in the NICU' as I used to read alot to the twins when they were in their humidicribs and too fragile to be handled. Reading to them was a way of me feeling useful as their mother, as well as letting them know I was there. I think it was a way to bring comfort to us. Hence, this was also created out of love for NICU babes & to support families going through their toughest times. You can find some info on it here but we have fallen a bit behind in the donations lately..." https://www.facebook.com/booksforbubsinthenicu/
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